I guess I'm feeling sorry for myself/need to vent

 I don't know what I expected; I know what I'd hoped...that this time together would help us grow closer, but it has not.

This morning Dad was "commenting" (I say griping) about how things are done at this hospital versus the other one in New Bern.  I know he's tired of being here.  I am too, but complaining about things isn't helping anything.  He got upset that I said he was griping.  Then he got upset at me later because he said I was making something out of nothing when he was unable to put his watch on due to swelling in his lower arm/wrist area.  I mentioned that we should tell the nurse.  He got upset with me saying that they knew he had swelling in the upper arm yesterday from the bandage and it's their job to do something about it if it was a big deal and since they didn't do anything yesterday, it's not a big deal.  I said we didn't know he had swelling all the way down there and that WE don't know what's a big deal or not a big deal.  That we need to tell them and it's up to them to determine what's a big deal or not.  He said I worry about too much, and he may be right, but I said he doesn't worry about anything.  His response, "WELL???!!" in that high-pitched voice.  I'm trying to make sure that we nip anything in the bud before it becomes an issue and he doesn't want anything done until it becomes an issue.  We didn't really talk most of the day.

I did mention it to the nurse on the down-low.  She came later and "noticed" his swelling in his lower arm and told him to keep it elevated as much as possible.  I also mentioned the cough that he seems to mostly only have at night.  She said his heart is having to work harder and that fluid may be backing up around the heart causing him to cough (I think that's what she said).  That's a bit disconcerting as well, but of course, I "worry too much."

I've tried not to be upset today, but I am.  I feel like he'd rather have ANYONE else here but me.  I feel like I'm just an annoyance to him.  He doesn't and really hasn't spent any time with me outside of the required time at the hospital.  For instance, other than eating breakfast or dinner together, he goes straight to his room, usually with the door shut.  There are two recliners in here with the TV.  Does he sit in here with me and watch anything?  No.  He goes in his room and closes his door and watches TV.  Why do I always feel like I'm either not enough or too much to him??  It really does break my heart.

I guess it's like me and holidays or special occasions.  I want the Norman Rockwell, but what I actually get usually looks more like the Griswolds.  I feel like we have this dysfunctional relationship.  I don't feel free to express how I feel to him.  I did a lot of talking to God today.  I don't want to say something and have it increase the emotional distance I feel between us, but it's not healthy to always suppress it, either. I don't know how to talk to him about how I feel, how I've always felt "not enough" to him without him getting defensive and doing that, "Well?!?!" crap that he does.  At least I'm enough for God and Tim.

As we were leaving the infusion section today (he only received his azacitidine today, so it was a quick day), we were stopped by an oncology nurse wanting to see if we'd be willing to join a research study for elderly patients with AML and their caregivers.  It's a multidisplined approach involving OT and PT to help improve quality of life, etc.  We took the paperwork and I went over it with Dad and we signed it tonight.  She gave us parking vouchers, Dad will get a Garmin fit watch and I'll end up getting some other gift cards or something.  They will follow up with calls and surveys, etc., even after Dad dies.

Dad wanted to go back to that Mexican restaurant we went to on our first day here, so we did.  I found a combination dinner for him that actually had tamales.  Not sure how we missed that the other day, but he said they were even better than the tamales we found in Jacksonville.  I really wanted a drink after the mental/emotional crap today but I stuck with water. We had a good lunch, but again, still didn't really talk. Fun times.

We came back to the room and I don't know what he did, whether he slept or not as the door was shut, of course, but I took a nap.  Sleeping is my lack of coping, coping mechanism when I just want to shut down for a while.  I didn't wake up until it was almost 6.  I saw when we'd come back from lunch that there was a group of ladies coming to fix supper here at the house tonight but knew Dad wouldn't want to eat again.  I also knew he'd need some food to take with him chemo pills.  I mentioned that I saw they were also having salad, so he walked down there with me to get salad and some fresh fruit.

I pretty much packed my entire bag again ready to get out of here tomorrow.  I took out all of the trash, took our extra food to the kitchen to donate and cleaned up the room.  We don't have to be there until 10:30, but I want to be ready!  I did our check-out survey of the SECU Family House.  The place itself has been lovely.  I just wish Dad and I were lovely, too.

I did get to FaceTime with Tim for a little bit today.  That brings me comfort.  I miss him.  I miss his hugs and just want to hold onto him when we get home.  Who knows what time we'll get sprung from the hospital tomorrow and then a 2.5-hour drive home or more depending on traffic/supper.

I pray we have no more tension tomorrow.  Until then...