I just feel a little broken

I really don't know what I'm feeling...just jumbled.  Dad's doing well with chemo.  We went to Chapel Hill Monday and again yesterday, where we stayed the night again at the SECU Family House.  At first they had us in a regular room with just one bed...uh...I mean I could've slept in the recliner, but Dad went and talked to them and they moved us to a room with a twin and a full of queen.

Let me back up...ya know all of this time Dad and I have been spending together has just highlighted how dysfunctional and broken our relationship and communication is.  I feel like I'm afraid to say anything that I would consider normal conversation or I'm "complaining" or I'm "worrying about everything."  For instance, on the drive up or back, there are a lot of crazy drivers doing crazy driver things, like cutting people off, going from the far left or right lane across all lanes of traffic to the other side, going really slow or really fast, or cutting in front of a person and then slowing down.  To me, those are like normal observations one might make about traffic conditions going on around you.  Apparently, I'm just complaining.

Also, apparently I'm fat.  Dad says these things and he thinks he's being funny or whatever, but it's sort of passive-aggressive.  For instance, I said I'd take the twin bed last night so he could have the bigger bed.  It was really not a big deal to me.  I don't mind a twin bed at all, especially if I'm sleeping alone.  But no, he'd take the twin bed "because he's skinny."  Oh gee, Dad, what are you trying to say?  His response, "No comment."  Thanks....but what's funny/not funny?  His girlfriend and I probably wear the same size and she has "a good shape."  Ya can't have it both ways.  He makes me feel like crap about myself all the time.

And then...this one, I guess I should know by now not to ask Dad a question if I'm not prepared for his answer.  I asked him if he thought I was a good wife to Tim.  Tim and I have a great marriage.  He's my best friend and I'm his.  Do we have a perfect marriage?  No, but what does that even mean?  Sometimes we both get snappy with each other, yes, me more than him, but we are HUMAN.  So, dad said, "Yeahhhhhh...."trailed off that means "but..."  He says well, I can't really judge that.  I said, well by your tone, you already have.  He said, well, you snap at him sometimes if you think he should know something and he doesn't.

Today we're on the way into parking garage and I honestly can't remember at this particular moment what started it, but we were already griping at each other.  I pull into the line to get my parking ticket and it's not working.  I try multiple times and it won't print the ticket.  It's a busy street behind us (in the middle of UNC Chapel Hill) and there are cars lined up behind me.  So I'm having to back up and others are having to back up so we can all get into one line....not stressful at all.  I wasn't able to back up as far as I needed to, to turn well enough to get in at a good angle and now I have scratched up Dad's bumper on his car.  FABULOUS!  We find a parking spot and he's still grousing at me and doing that WELL?! crap that I hate so much.  I told him he sounded like a cow giving birth and that it was so annoying.  We're going back and forth.  I told him how just on this trip I've been fat and a bad wife.  He said that's a lie.  That never came out of my mouth.  I said you say these things in your roundabout way, thinking you're so funny.  He said, no, you asked me and I told you what you're doing wrong.  I said so no one can have a bad day or wives are expected to be perfect all the time?  Like YOU'RE perfect all the time?  Give me a break.  You need to come down off your pedestal.  I'm not proud of it.  I'm frustrated by it all.  I'm tired.

We didn't really speak much the rest of the day.  I would get his water or snacks or whatever, make sure he had what he needed/wanted.  Because he forgot his jacket and his medicine in the car, I went back down and got that for him as he was definitely going to need them both.

Mostly, I feel disappointed.  I had come to a pretty good place where I knew I didn't need to chase his approval anymore.  I don't.  I can't help it if I'm not enough for him or approved by him or whatever.  If I'm not by now, I never will be.  That's not a me problem.  That's his problem.  I know I'm fully loved by God and my husband.  But I also don't want to feel devalued or torn down.  I don't know what the solution is, but I know that our spending so much time together has not been good.

Oh man...and THEN...like WHO wants to hear their father discuss sex?????????????????????  Gross!  He was talking about how people may have a problem with he and Carol having sex at their age (he was saying people in the church or her neighbors or ?? - I kind of have to tune out or throw up).  I told him I don't want to hear about them having sex and that when it happens, I don't want to know, I don't want to hear about it.  I said, besides that, shouldn't you be waiting until marriage (since he's always spouting the Bible).  Oh, well, apparently that standard doesn't apply when it's him and them and they've "put in their time" blah blah blah.  Apparently, it doesn't count if your over 70 and been married before??  Not only is he trying to discuss this with ME, he's discussing this in the infusion section while he's there to get platelets and there are only these half walls with people all around who CAN hear your conversations.  WOW.  Boundaries anyone?  Common courtesy??  Why is this okay to think you should talk about this in the open public WITH YOUR DAUGHTER...Sigh...

We had a long, mostly quiet ride home.  I was afraid to say anything about traffic (or anything else), so I just didn't talk.  I did tell Carol that I wasn't going to go with them on Saturday to the blueberry festival.  I said it was because Tim's coming home on Saturday and I want to spend time with him, which is true, but I don't know when he'll be coming home Saturday.  Really, I just didn't want to be trapped spending the whole day with them and I could really, REALLY use a break from Dad.  I know one day I'll feel bad for saying that, but right now, this is my truth.