Home Again

 I didn't post yesterday as I was not in a good head space.  Dad and I had another spat, this time at the hospital.  I told him he treats and talks to everyone else better than he does me.  His response, "Oh yeah, right."  Anyways, we didn't really speak the whole way home other than a few words here and there.  I don't like arguing with Dad.  I don't like division.  He feels like I treat him like an invalid and that we don't "let" him do things on his own.  I asked him what he does for himself?  He tells me to get his coffee and fix his food (at the hotel - at home he will fix his own coffee).  I think a talk with Tim this morning helped me to reframe things mentally.

The visit yesterday was uneventful in and of itself.  He had labs and then got his azacitidine.  Beyond that, the nurse came in again for that study to ask Dad a bunch of questions.  We have a difference of opinion on some of Dad's responses to how he is doing versus how he thinks he is doing, i.e. memory.

Talking with Tim this morning just calms me.  Being with him, talking things out/over with him, just helps give me a different perspective.  It helped me to acknowledge that I'm grieving, not just dad having cancer, but grieving our relationship -- not just the one we have, but the one I've always wanted to have but don't.  I want to have a relationship where we actually talk about things, important things, feelings, etc. I have to let go of what I've always wanted and offer to God and celebrate what is, no matter how dysfunctional it may be.  I have to give God what I DO have and let him do something with it. Loaves and fish.

He also helped me process the guilt, anger, hurt, and disappointment I've felt.  I guess I've been expecting a thank you from Dad, stemming back to when we moved to Oklahoma.  I was very hurt when he left us there to move to Washington to be with Jody.  I felt like what the heck??  We moved here for YOU.  The thing is, I guess he never actually asked us to, it was done because of the promise I made to him and because we felt like it was the right thing to do.  WE made the choice to move.  And in talking with Tim, I guess I had felt like, well if Dad didn't really need us and didn't really want us there, and in the process, we lost Amanda, then what was the point?  What was the whole purpose of even being there?  And so I guess that's why I'm struggling now, too.  He says he doesn't really need our help and I'm a helper, so what is my purpose then?  My purpose is still to love God and love others, including Dad.

We talked about Dad's love languages.  I guess the way he expresses love is through gifts.  Thinking back over the years of him wanting to help with my medical bills in the past, or buying the footstool for me for Mother's Day or buying the storage shed for our old house in Winterville, to even helping with the downpayment, I think, on that house.  I was a bit perplexed though on how he receives love.  He doesn't want to feel like an invalid, so my "doing" things to help him isn't received as love.  So then what is it?  It seems to be words of affirmation.  Maybe quality time, but only if it's something that HE wants to do.  I was commenting to Tim how the same thing is received differently from Carol versus me.  For instance, she asked him if he'd eaten breakfast yet and he said no.  She said you need to eat so let's go eat.  If he hasn't eaten and I ask him if he has and say he needs breakfast, then I'm nagging.  Anyways...

Tim gave me a lot to think about/reframe.  I'm giving God my broken relationship with my Dad.  Broken is a word that God kept bringing to my mind this last week...we're all broken, even Dad.  God can still use broken if we give it to him.  I've held my dad up to this impossible standard and it's not fair to him.  I have been chasing after HIS approval or to be enough from him my whole life, but I already have that from God.  All kids want to receive that from their parents, but I know ultimately that my identity, my worth, my being enough is already established in Christ.  I AM loved.  I AM cherished.  I AM His masterpiece.  My dad is a wonderful human being, but he makes a terrible God.  To God be the glory.  Great things HE HAS DONE!